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I Can't Make This Shit Up.

Updated: Mar 18, 2023

Captain’s Log

Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

We’ve had a mild streak of bad luck on the ship, and last week played out like a bad slapstick comedy. I am saddened to report that Number 2 sustained a broken foot while trying to navigate his way through a sea of segway scooters at work. No need to re-read that last sentence, you read it correctly, he fell over a segway not off one. Poor guy has definitely had better weeks at work.

Relic had his frist mountain bike race last week. He had a great start holding the frist place position through most of the race until he connected with a stump and took flight over his handlebars ending his race with a DNF. Thankfully he’s only managed a mild injury to his quad and I was able to finish my lunch before I had to race off to take him to the hospital. He will be off crutches and back on his bike in 2 weeks' time.

Just call me Nurse Ratchet. Both patients are doing an equally excellent job of driving me nuts and my sympathy is waning by the hour. Number 2 won’t sit still and cannot seem to figure out why the swelling isn’t subsiding. Relic, however, the master patient is using his less severe injury to have the Duchess and I do his bidding.

I think that based on last week's injuries I will now make it mandatory for all members of the crew to wear a helmet and bubble wrap before disembarking the ship. If I bring one more member of my family to the local emergency room for an X-ray I think I’ll be getting a visit from family services. The looks alone that we receive when we leave the house are bad enough.

Mother’s Day yard work had to be postponed as both boys were unable to move the topsoil with me and The Duchess was unable to assist claiming once again that she is too pretty for manual labour. In the end, I had to get creative in finding chores for them to complete and had them deep clean both our vehicles. I took great pleasure in finding them jobs knowing full well they thought they were getting a free pass on hard labour.

Despite the fact that it was my weekend the crew did manage to lodge a few complaints, again confusing this vessel with a pleasure cruise.

  1. I suggested that they go outside and enjoy the gorgeous weather. It was rude of me to forget the Duchess is a vampire and that the sun is her nemesis and Relic despite being 18 is still a teenage boy who needs 22 hours of sleep a day.

  2. I requested they spend time with me on Mother’s Day. I was reminded that I chose to have children and that they did not choose to be born, therefore they shouldn’t be forced to spend time with me.

  3. I said no to a mental health day and made them go to school. Obviously, I only care about their academic success and not their overall health.

  4. The Duchess is horrified that her friends enjoy my TikTok and according to her I’m an embarrassing narcissist and I should course correct my career ambitions as they don’t align with her ideas of what a normal mom should be doing.

  5. Number 2 needs to stop with the dad jokes ASAP as they aren't funny.

I find it so ironic how as a mother when your crotch goblins are tiny all you want is a break from the constant touching and talking and then when they get older all you want is a tiny amount of their time.

A Captain's Blog is a real-life millennial mom's account of parenting teenagers and navigating a busy family life with honesty and humour. I'm a digital creator who loves to inspire, empower and connect by sharing my personal experience. I am a serial entrepreneur, and social media marketing maven who would love to have you along for the ride. Don't fear the teenage years, embrace them.

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