Captain's Log: Tales of Sea Creatures, Prickly Leg Hairs, and Snoring Battles

Captain’s Log

Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

The creatures of the sea have huge teeth, beady eyes, and unique defence techniques to ward off predators; apparently, so do the crew of this fine vessel. It's amazing how one can recognize the various types of monsters and moods aboard the ship when encountered. Number 2 got a lesson last night when he came in contact with my tactical leg hairs when he curled up next to me in bed. I explained to him that the only time these hairs appear is when I’m sleep deprived and am forced to deploy them to ward off his unsolicited advances. I went on to further explain that the reason they currently are so prickly (and my attitude) is because of his snoring. He tried to tell me his snoring was a result of my alleged mouth breathing. I’ve made a note in his file for this clear insubordination as I am not a mouth breather.

The Duchess, perhaps the most dangerous creature living aboard the ship was also on the hunt last night for a victim. She is most lethal when there aren’t any “good” snacks in the mess hall and last night she was not to be satisfied with anything available to her. Yet again complaints were made and the $300 I spent on groceries this week wasn’t enough to meet her needs. Number 2 fell prey to attack when he foolishly entered her dark cave of a cabin and attempted to engage her in a conversion. He barely made it out alive and I was forced to toss her a freezie before she sunk the ship in her blind rage.

Relic in a move of self-preservation abandon the ship last night before the chaos began and chose to stay on land with his friends. I won’t lie and say he has a keen sense of danger as the boy is constantly kissing death, and I can only assume he was the one who consumed all the snack foods and left before anyone discovered it. I’ll give it to him, he’s clever.

Please send your thoughts and prayers for Number 2 as this heat will not help to improve my mood. Especially since this ship isn’t equipped with AC.