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Thursday, July 20th, 2023
Captain’s Log
The seas have been calm without the crew aboard the Shit Show. Life's almost been too quiet lately without the crew around, and Number 2 and I are still getting used to the empty nest vibes. But let me tell you; it's making me worry about the future of this Blog. I'm struggling to create content without the crew's antics to write about. Who knew chaos could be so missed? I'm calling it the Parenthood Chaotic Void.
Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I had to create drama this week to keep things interesting. The other night I was craving some ice cream and noticed there wasn’t enough left for two bowls. Channelling my inner teenager, I helped myself to a larger bowl and left just enough in the carton for the next person to be disappointed. Sure enough, not 30 minutes later, Relic exited his cabin to raid the mess hall. Let me say his reaction was pure gold! It’s not very often I get to serve them some of their medicine.
Despite Relic's crazy work schedule and the Duchess being away in the UK, our "parenting" skills have been getting poor ratings. Can you believe it?
Relic was appalled when he had to endure two whole days with lukewarm water in his Yeti bottle. What kind of mother fails to refill the empty ice trays?
Despite laundry day always being on Sundays, Relic still seems to be in complete shock when he is entirely out of clean shorts and uniform shirts. He did not appreciate it when I reminded him that the washing machine didn’t require my retina scan and that anyone aboard the ship was welcome to use it.
Now, the Duchess is a master of brevity regarding communication. I tried asking about her trip to Oxford and how notable the Bodleian Library was, but all I got in response was a "good." She's even had the nerve to file a complaint against my communication skills, implying that I was overly needy and texted too often. I learned that while texting with Relic, they discussed how annoying my daily check-ins are. It was suggested that I wait until she reaches out in the future before engaging in conversation. Don’t even get me started on how many times my FaceTime calls have declined.
When she did reach out this week, it was to inform me that she did need to get glasses as she is finding it hard to see things at a distance. It’s incredible how eight months ago, both the optometrist and I were completely wrong when it was suggested she get a pair, but now that it’s becoming a nuisance, she’s ready to commit.
I think it’s that time again when I send out a ship-wide message reminding the crew this isn’t a pleasure cruise and that I’m not a customer service agent.
Until next time, may your wine flow as nicely as the summer breeze.